Friday, March 16, 2018

life as i know it...

I think life is best lived in the moment, I get totally overwhelmed when I live life any other way...

And I seem to get overwhelmed a lot, apparently, so I guess I don't listen to my own advice very often so maybe you shouldn't either. 

Right now in my moment I am sitting on my bed next to Jared who is watching a (super boring) space documentary movie while I nod appropriately and say, "cool" at the right times, with Nash squished between us watching You Tube for kids. Libby and I got back from a Sodalicious run not too long ago after we dropped Ellie off at a late night at a friends house. Milo is enjoying some uninterrupted time on the switch playing Stardew Valley while Indy is at working the night away at Smashburger. This is a pretty good moment. 

I am pretty sure I should be worrying about how much screen time my kids are having, or the fact that my quality time with my husband is, well... not very quality, or the fact that I have only exercised once and I have drank more diet coke than water in the last week....

But I honestly don't want to worry about that anymore. 

I promised myself in January that I would stick to one and only one New Years resolution, and that is-- to Love... Love myself, love my kids, love my husband, love my life, my friends, my family, my job, my pets, my home... I just want to live in the moment and fill my moments with more love. Love brings peace, contentment and light to my life and I needed that.

I had gone through a lot of growing pains in 2017 as my life changed pretty drastically. I struggled with school and going back to work. I wondered if I had made the right decisions. I struggled to take care of myself. I struggled taking care of my children's needs. I struggled with my jobs at church and my spiritual growth. I especially struggled with being a best friend to my hubby. I had so much on my plate and if I sat still long enough and thought about it all, I felt so overwhelmed it always led to tears and negative thoughts. So I tried not to sit and think at all. I kept busy and I just went through the motions of my new routine. 

Starting chemistry in the fall just after starting my assistant manger position at Smashburger was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I ended up dropping chemistry right after Thanksgiving because it was so painfully hard for me. I had no time to study or get the help I needed to understand it while working 45 hrs + a week. That was hard. That broke my heart, to be honest. I had worked so freakin hard the 2 previous semesters. I wondered if school was the right thing for me anymore. I needed to work. I needed benefits and a paycheck. But doing school and work seemed impossible especially for my sanity.

And then there was a light... In the first week of January while I was taking the deposit to the bank for Smashburger like I did every morning, the bank manager asked to talk to me. I had become friends with all the tellers there and we loved to chat it up while I was there even if it was only a few minutes a day! Well, Danny, the manager, told me they had a position opening up and they would really love it if I would come work at the bank. It would be part time- 30 hrs, with great pay, and benefits, paid federal and state holidays, paid vacation, paid sick days, paid personal days... I felt so very blessed. I saw a way I could make my life work for me again not against me! Light started shining on the possibilities!

I said yes, and applied, and got the job. My start date was Feb 5th. I sadly put in my two weeks at Smashburger, I really loved my friends there it was so hard for me to say goodbye! But they were all very happy for me and made it easier on me-- rays of light!

I also got my financial aid all sorted out because I almost lost it when I dropped my class. So, yay, more light!!!

And here I am 5 weeks into my new job and feeling pretty good! I make mistakes everyday but I have been blessed with a great boss and coworkers who are patient teachers and very understanding. (I will do a separate post later on all the mistakes I have made and things I have broken!)  

I just signed up for chemistry again this summer. Its a live class that is 2 hours long, 4 days a week for 6 weeks, which sounds killer but I think chemistry will make more sense when I have more class time as opposed to the online class I took last time. I feel so much joy to know that school is back in my life. I know that is where I am supposed to be! 

(Oh school- you complete me--- ;)

And my family is so dang happy to have a mom  again and having dinner each night-! (being a mom is still my favorite job in the world and be watching for a post soon about how I won't be taking it for granted anytime soon!) 

Anyway I feel the need to keep a better journal... A journal of my "year of love and light"--  Hopefully, I can learn to let go of the unimportant and save my energy for the moment with all my loves! It won't be easy- I am not perfect and I still get overwhelmed on a regular basis but knowing my priorities helps me recenter when I let myself get too crazy!

I don't expect a single soul will have read this far but here it is... The end. 

Lots of love-

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Everyone has True Greatness

I have always wanted a family. From a very young age I started planning my family, and when I did get married at the ripe old age of 19, I chose a man who also wanted a family. We surprised ourselves by starting a family right away. And for the most part, I have been very content with my chosen profession. Here are 10  reason why I love my job-

1. It never gets boring. This job keeps me active and on the go!

2. I get to make the rules, although I can't really say I work for myself. 

3. I enjoy the people I work with, in fact, I would go as far as saying, they are my very favorite people in the world. 

4. There are times when it can be a thankless job, but in the moments when I do see the rewards of my efforts it is all worth it.

5. I get to make my own schedule, although I do have to get it approved by my "commitee".

6. Even though I don't get sick days, I do get take care of my babies when they have one.

7. I get to make food whenever I am hungry, although I do have to make enough for everyone.

8. I don't have to commute and I can work in my jammies if I feel like it.

9. I get to plan fun activities whenever I want and I always have someone to do them with me.

10. There are five people who love me, and need me, more than any other human being on the planet... And that is my favorite reason!

Those 10 reasons are great and make my life sound like a bunch of peaches and cream- but I have to be honest... 

There are days when it sucks. Days when I don't want to change another poopy diaper, make another hungry kid a PBJ, or wash my 10th load of laundry for the day- let alone fold it!

These moments come as often as the good ones, and sometimes they get me down and I think- Is this all that life has to offer me... Poop and peanut butter smears??? 

I am comforted by these words that tell me I am on the right path... And while sometimes my job seems like menial work with disgusting tasks that I wouldn't even expect a bio hazard crew to do, it has taught me so many lessons about life. I have learned that true greatness is in every single human being! It's not your job title that makes you great- its the attitude with which you do the job- whatever it may be- that makes you truly great. 

I am still working on this. It is not always easy to have a good attitude as I clean up after my kids and pets, or change diapers or hear kids fighting and/or complaining a hundred times a day... But I am a striving for progress not perfection...

If I know that my attitude is more important than the task at hand, and if I can remember it daily, I will achieve just as much greatness in my life, and in the lives of those around me, as any important king, queen, president, or leader! 

"To those who are doing the common place work of the world but are wondering about the value of their accomplishments; to those who are the work horses of this Church, who are furthering the work of the Lord in so many quiet but significant ways; to those who the salt of the earth and the strength of the world and the backbone of each nation- to you we would simply express our admiration. If you endure to the end, and if you are valiant in the testimony of Jesus, you will achieve true greatness and will live in the presence of our Father in Heaven." 
Howard W. Hunter - True Greatness

Sunday, February 21, 2016

The little Secret 2.20.2016

It was such a beautiful day yesterday! Perfect for playing outside with friends, riding bikes, and swinging at the park... After chores are done of course! 

You will have to see how we did on the video! And after a long day of chores and playing who wants to cook dinner!? Not me! Jared surprised us with some chinese take out and also with a little secret he has been keeping! 

You definitely don't want to miss this one!!

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Girls Night Out with Karaoke!

I am taking my blogging to the next level and it's called vlogging!

Yesterday was a busy day and I love staying reasonably busy and productive! Nash and I played in the beautiful sunshine, I went to help Jared paint an apartment while Nash went to Chelsea's, then back home for a nap and then a run! And after all that we got to go out for a karaoke night with the girls!

Check out the video to see how it all played out! Trust me you won't be sad you did!

Monday, December 21, 2015

Road Trippin': Where should we go to eat?

Cute (and healthy!) Neighbor Gift Idea!

Jared has been dabbling in hydroponics.
This man and his interests never cease to amaze me.
I think he is addicted to learning new things, because he is the master at 
learning any new trade that sparks something in his brain!

A little over 2 months ago he decided to grow some lettuce. I think, in his mind, he was thinking that maybe some how he could turn this hobby into a way to make money so he wanted to see how many he could grow at once to sell at farmers markets. I think he had about 100 romaine lettuce plants and a bunch of kale. He also has started a bunch of herbs and tree seedlings!
Jared learned a lot over the months the lettuce was growing, what worked and what didn't. I think the biggest problem is space. This set up takes up our whole garage so there isn't a lot of room for his other hobbies and interests to fit in his work space. ( I had to give up on parking in my garage years ago! )

The lettuce was ready to harvest just in time for the Christmas season and I had to find homes for all our yummy, organic, home grown lettuce before it went bad, and that is where my idea for neighbor gifts was born!

Picking the lettuce...

Packaging it all up!

Wow, that's a lot of lettuce!

Lettuce us wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


The Jaynes Family

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Our Happily Ever After... Or was it???

When Jared and I first got married I had a LOT of expectations about what our life together would be like!

 I had imagined that we would happily spend every, single, second of every day together! We would also love doing all the same activities together as a couple! Jared was going to love and appreciate every meal I made too, I just knew it! We were never going to raise our voices at each other either, and we would always have "discussions" in calm, reasonable voices. Jared would, of course, suddenly grow a love for babies and want to hold them and bathe them and change their diapers because they were OUR babies and they were special! And Jared definitely wouldn't ever need to hang out with any of his buddies ever again because he had me, and I was going to be all the fun and entertainment he would ever need!

I am sure you can all tell where this post is going...

I can make all sorts of excuses as to why I expected so many things from Jared. I was a baby really, only 19 , and I had really no idea what marriage was going to be like. I only knew what I had been allowed to observe in my parents relationship. And I did get a lot of my ideas from movies and TV shows which, as I now know, are not very reliable in showcasing what actual lasting relationships are like.

SO your probably dying to know how I got him to live up to all my expectations so we could enjoy our blissful happily ever after!!

And the secret is....

I didn't.

Sure I tried... At first. 

I cried, I pouted, I was silent and I admit I occasionally screamed about it. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to be someone totally different than who he was, so that he could fit my expectations. 

I wanted him to change who HE was to make ME happy...

I am embarrassed to admit this actually. It was so selfish and naive. 

I am actually relived now that none of my antics to get him to change worked. But at the time, I got more frustrated, more sad, and more depressed. I thought something was wrong with our marriage.

And honestly, there was. It was me.

About the time Libby was 6 weeks old, I was blessed to have a family member call me out on how I was being unfair to Jared. At first, I was mad and hurt. How could I be the one that was wrong? I am a kind, loving wife!? All I want is to be together all the time? What is wrong with that? Don't you see how it's always about him!?? 

But when I really thought about it, I realized that I had been wrong all along. I was relying on Jared to make me happy. I had been trying to get him to fit into a mold he knew nothing about in the first place. And this mold that I wanted him to fit into- if he had actually squeezed himself into it, just to make me happy, it would have squeezed everything out of him that made him who he was... 

Including everything that I fell in love with in the first place.

So now that I had figured this out, I knew I needed to change. I needed to learn that I am capable of being happy with or without Jared. Yes, I married him because he was the person that made me feel like no one had ever made me feel. I had never laughed so loud, felt so pretty or been so happy as I was when I was with him! 

But that was just a bonus. 

And just how it goes with anything that you want to last forever... I needed to take care of it and nourish that love- and keep it special and exciting by letting him be that carefree fun guy who made my heart flutter every time he walked in the door.

 Instead of nurturing it, I had been doing the opposite by trying to squash all the things that made Jared- Jared, just like I would a bug on the wall! I had to let go of my expectations. I had to learn to be happy because we were in this together! And come what may, we would make it one crazy adventure! Full of butterflies, laughter, excitement and lots and lots of crazy love!

It is always going to be my choice if I am happy or not.
It's not anyone else's job to make me feel a certain way. And even now 15 years later I am not perfect at it but just having this knowledge is priceless to our happy marriage! And if I was a numbers person I would say we got this marriage thing figured out- we are happy a full 80% of the time by now! And in the next 5 years that will be up to 85%! So basically, 20 years from now I bet we will be right near perfect at this marriage thing! So never give up! It will happen to you too!

I am so blessed that I am on this crazy ride call life with my favorite person! 

~~Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. 2 nephi 10:23~~