Friday, March 16, 2018

life as i know it...

I think life is best lived in the moment, I get totally overwhelmed when I live life any other way...

And I seem to get overwhelmed a lot, apparently, so I guess I don't listen to my own advice very often so maybe you shouldn't either. 

Right now in my moment I am sitting on my bed next to Jared who is watching a (super boring) space documentary movie while I nod appropriately and say, "cool" at the right times, with Nash squished between us watching You Tube for kids. Libby and I got back from a Sodalicious run not too long ago after we dropped Ellie off at a late night at a friends house. Milo is enjoying some uninterrupted time on the switch playing Stardew Valley while Indy is at working the night away at Smashburger. This is a pretty good moment. 

I am pretty sure I should be worrying about how much screen time my kids are having, or the fact that my quality time with my husband is, well... not very quality, or the fact that I have only exercised once and I have drank more diet coke than water in the last week....

But I honestly don't want to worry about that anymore. 

I promised myself in January that I would stick to one and only one New Years resolution, and that is-- to Love... Love myself, love my kids, love my husband, love my life, my friends, my family, my job, my pets, my home... I just want to live in the moment and fill my moments with more love. Love brings peace, contentment and light to my life and I needed that.

I had gone through a lot of growing pains in 2017 as my life changed pretty drastically. I struggled with school and going back to work. I wondered if I had made the right decisions. I struggled to take care of myself. I struggled taking care of my children's needs. I struggled with my jobs at church and my spiritual growth. I especially struggled with being a best friend to my hubby. I had so much on my plate and if I sat still long enough and thought about it all, I felt so overwhelmed it always led to tears and negative thoughts. So I tried not to sit and think at all. I kept busy and I just went through the motions of my new routine. 

Starting chemistry in the fall just after starting my assistant manger position at Smashburger was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I ended up dropping chemistry right after Thanksgiving because it was so painfully hard for me. I had no time to study or get the help I needed to understand it while working 45 hrs + a week. That was hard. That broke my heart, to be honest. I had worked so freakin hard the 2 previous semesters. I wondered if school was the right thing for me anymore. I needed to work. I needed benefits and a paycheck. But doing school and work seemed impossible especially for my sanity.

And then there was a light... In the first week of January while I was taking the deposit to the bank for Smashburger like I did every morning, the bank manager asked to talk to me. I had become friends with all the tellers there and we loved to chat it up while I was there even if it was only a few minutes a day! Well, Danny, the manager, told me they had a position opening up and they would really love it if I would come work at the bank. It would be part time- 30 hrs, with great pay, and benefits, paid federal and state holidays, paid vacation, paid sick days, paid personal days... I felt so very blessed. I saw a way I could make my life work for me again not against me! Light started shining on the possibilities!

I said yes, and applied, and got the job. My start date was Feb 5th. I sadly put in my two weeks at Smashburger, I really loved my friends there it was so hard for me to say goodbye! But they were all very happy for me and made it easier on me-- rays of light!

I also got my financial aid all sorted out because I almost lost it when I dropped my class. So, yay, more light!!!

And here I am 5 weeks into my new job and feeling pretty good! I make mistakes everyday but I have been blessed with a great boss and coworkers who are patient teachers and very understanding. (I will do a separate post later on all the mistakes I have made and things I have broken!)  

I just signed up for chemistry again this summer. Its a live class that is 2 hours long, 4 days a week for 6 weeks, which sounds killer but I think chemistry will make more sense when I have more class time as opposed to the online class I took last time. I feel so much joy to know that school is back in my life. I know that is where I am supposed to be! 

(Oh school- you complete me--- ;)

And my family is so dang happy to have a mom  again and having dinner each night-! (being a mom is still my favorite job in the world and be watching for a post soon about how I won't be taking it for granted anytime soon!) 

Anyway I feel the need to keep a better journal... A journal of my "year of love and light"--  Hopefully, I can learn to let go of the unimportant and save my energy for the moment with all my loves! It won't be easy- I am not perfect and I still get overwhelmed on a regular basis but knowing my priorities helps me recenter when I let myself get too crazy!

I don't expect a single soul will have read this far but here it is... The end. 

Lots of love-

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