When Jared and I first got married I had a LOT of expectations about what our life together would be like!
I had imagined that we would happily spend every, single, second of every day together! We would also love doing all the same activities together as a couple! Jared was going to love and appreciate every meal I made too, I just knew it! We were never going to raise our voices at each other either, and we would always have "discussions" in calm, reasonable voices. Jared would, of course, suddenly grow a love for babies and want to hold them and bathe them and change their diapers because they were OUR babies and they were special! And Jared definitely wouldn't ever need to hang out with any of his buddies ever again because he had me, and I was going to be all the fun and entertainment he would ever need!
I am sure you can all tell where this post is going...
I can make all sorts of excuses as to why I expected so many things from Jared. I was a baby really, only 19 , and I had really no idea what marriage was going to be like. I only knew what I had been allowed to observe in my parents relationship. And I did get a lot of my ideas from movies and TV shows which, as I now know, are not very reliable in showcasing what actual lasting relationships are like.
SO your probably dying to know how I got him to live up to all my expectations so we could enjoy our blissful happily ever after!!
And the secret is....
I didn't.
Sure I tried... At first.
I cried, I pouted, I was silent and I admit I occasionally screamed about it. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to be someone totally different than who he was, so that he could fit my expectations.
I wanted him to change who HE was to make ME happy...
I am embarrassed to admit this actually. It was so selfish and naive.
I am actually relived now that none of my antics to get him to change worked. But at the time, I got more frustrated, more sad, and more depressed. I thought something was wrong with our marriage.
And honestly, there was. It was me.
About the time Libby was 6 weeks old, I was blessed to have a family member call me out on how I was being unfair to Jared. At first, I was mad and hurt. How could I be the one that was wrong? I am a kind, loving wife!? All I want is to be together all the time? What is wrong with that? Don't you see how it's always about him!??
But when I really thought about it, I realized that I had been wrong all along. I was relying on Jared to make me happy. I had been trying to get him to fit into a mold he knew nothing about in the first place. And this mold that I wanted him to fit into- if he had actually squeezed himself into it, just to make me happy, it would have squeezed everything out of him that made him who he was...
Including everything that I fell in love with in the first place.
So now that I had figured this out, I knew I needed to change. I needed to learn that I am capable of being happy with or without Jared. Yes, I married him because he was the person that made me feel like no one had ever made me feel. I had never laughed so loud, felt so pretty or been so happy as I was when I was with him!
But that was just a bonus.
And just how it goes with anything that you want to last forever... I needed to take care of it and nourish that love- and keep it special and exciting by letting him be that carefree fun guy who made my heart flutter every time he walked in the door.
Instead of nurturing it, I had been doing the opposite by trying to squash all the things that made Jared- Jared, just like I would a bug on the wall! I had to let go of my expectations. I had to learn to be happy because we were in this together! And come what may, we would make it one crazy adventure! Full of butterflies, laughter, excitement and lots and lots of crazy love!
It is always going to be my choice if I am happy or not.
It's not anyone else's job to make me feel a certain way. And even now 15 years later I am not perfect at it but just having this knowledge is priceless to our happy marriage! And if I was a numbers person I would say we got this marriage thing figured out- we are happy a full 80% of the time by now! And in the next 5 years that will be up to 85%! So basically, 20 years from now I bet we will be right near perfect at this marriage thing! So never give up! It will happen to you too!
I am so blessed that I am on this crazy ride call life with my favorite person!
SO your probably dying to know how I got him to live up to all my expectations so we could enjoy our blissful happily ever after!!
And the secret is....
I didn't.
Sure I tried... At first.
I cried, I pouted, I was silent and I admit I occasionally screamed about it. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to be someone totally different than who he was, so that he could fit my expectations.
I wanted him to change who HE was to make ME happy...
I am embarrassed to admit this actually. It was so selfish and naive.
I am actually relived now that none of my antics to get him to change worked. But at the time, I got more frustrated, more sad, and more depressed. I thought something was wrong with our marriage.
And honestly, there was. It was me.
About the time Libby was 6 weeks old, I was blessed to have a family member call me out on how I was being unfair to Jared. At first, I was mad and hurt. How could I be the one that was wrong? I am a kind, loving wife!? All I want is to be together all the time? What is wrong with that? Don't you see how it's always about him!??
But when I really thought about it, I realized that I had been wrong all along. I was relying on Jared to make me happy. I had been trying to get him to fit into a mold he knew nothing about in the first place. And this mold that I wanted him to fit into- if he had actually squeezed himself into it, just to make me happy, it would have squeezed everything out of him that made him who he was...
Including everything that I fell in love with in the first place.
So now that I had figured this out, I knew I needed to change. I needed to learn that I am capable of being happy with or without Jared. Yes, I married him because he was the person that made me feel like no one had ever made me feel. I had never laughed so loud, felt so pretty or been so happy as I was when I was with him!
But that was just a bonus.
And just how it goes with anything that you want to last forever... I needed to take care of it and nourish that love- and keep it special and exciting by letting him be that carefree fun guy who made my heart flutter every time he walked in the door.
Instead of nurturing it, I had been doing the opposite by trying to squash all the things that made Jared- Jared, just like I would a bug on the wall! I had to let go of my expectations. I had to learn to be happy because we were in this together! And come what may, we would make it one crazy adventure! Full of butterflies, laughter, excitement and lots and lots of crazy love!
It is always going to be my choice if I am happy or not.
It's not anyone else's job to make me feel a certain way. And even now 15 years later I am not perfect at it but just having this knowledge is priceless to our happy marriage! And if I was a numbers person I would say we got this marriage thing figured out- we are happy a full 80% of the time by now! And in the next 5 years that will be up to 85%! So basically, 20 years from now I bet we will be right near perfect at this marriage thing! So never give up! It will happen to you too!
I am so blessed that I am on this crazy ride call life with my favorite person!
~~Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. 2 nephi 10:23~~
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