This baby is driving me crazy!!

As I write this Nash is climbing on the chair I am sitting on and screaming because I am in his way to climb on the desk. most of the chairs are tipped over in the kitchen for the same reason. There is dirt on the floor around my house plant. My folded and separated laundry piles have turned back into messy mounds.  

I am tired. No exhausted, really...  And I can't say it is physical exhaustion, although it definitely presents it's self with similar symptoms, like an overwhelming desire to lay down on the bed and do absolutely nothing and think of absolutely nothing. It's more of a mental exhaustion. The kind that happens when no matter what you are doing no matter what your brain is focused on, there is still another part of your brain that is always working, always scanning the perimeter, looking for danger or predicting the needs that might come to the one year old baby you are responsible for and love more than life itself. When the brain detects these dangers or needs, as the scans always do, you then have to go into preventative mode and actually go into action mode to keep the child out of harms way or feed, or change, or entertain, all while still taking care of everything else that goes on when you have 4 other children who need you. 

Most of the time it is natural. I just do it. I just get up and tip over the chair that he keeps climbing on to get to the table, or I jump up as fast as I can and get the scissors he is opening and closing that a sibling left down low enough for him to find. Or I realize the back door has been left open for at least 3 min and I frantically look all over until I find the little escapee..... 

Because when you are a mom you just do it. 

But it has started to feel like a burden lately. I want to be free, if even for just a couple hours. I want the radar turned off! I want to feel light again. Worry free. Just me. Doing whatever I want, when ever I feel like.

But I remember something... I have wrote about this before. I have been here before. I have felt this same heaviness, this same burning desire for freedom before.

 And I put it here on this same blog 5 whole years ago! I can't believe it was 5 years ago that I was here doing this same thing. Sometimes it feels like it was 15 year ago sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. But I got through it I survived. The sun came out. And I realize that this is a beautiful time of life. It is hard, so very, very hard! But it is short!! Oh, so very short!

Read HERE to go back in time 5 years...